When we left off Islanders coach Jack Capuano was risking life and limb to save a stranded Polar Bear cub from the clutches of his arch nemesis Dan Bylsma. As Bylsma's iceburgh hideaway was flipping over to reveal his secret - wait....that's not what was happening at all...
Dougie Weight: Next up, Kyle Okposo.
Cappy: STARTING AT RIGHT WING, NUMBER 21 - KY YULE OOOO POSOOOOOOOOOO. I like the way the arena guy says it. I'm gonna say it like that from now. KY YULE - your first half sucked, second half better. Which door?
KO: I HAVE A PLAN FOR THIS. I WILL TRY OUT EACH DOOR. I WILL THEN WATCH VIDEO OF MY EXITS AND ENTRANCES. I WILL FIND WHICH EXIT AND ENTRANCE COMBINATION WORKS BEST FOR ME AND THE TEAM AND THEN I WILL STUDY WHAT I DID DIFFERENTLY TO MAKE THAT PARTICULAR EXIT AND ENTRANCE MORE EXCEPTIONAL. UPON THAT, I WILL THEN GO THROUGH EACH AND EVERY DOOR OVER AND OVER UNTIL I SURPASS MY BEST EFFORTS, COACH. I WILL NOT DISAPPOINT AGAIN. I WILL PERFORM AT THE TOP OF MY GAME WHEN CHOOSING AN EXIT. ANY CHOICE I MAKE I ASSURE YOU - MY EXIT WILL NOT BE MEDIOCRE!
Cappy: You sound like a crazy person, but what've you got to lose? I'll put 7 and if it changes, you let me know. Sign here....ok, Brad Boyes....I don't really want to talk to him, gotta be honest.
Dougie: Me either....I'm going on a coffee run, want anything?
Cappy: Usual for me. Tell ya what, I miss real coffee runs. I used to love when Dougie came back with my coolata and an egg sandwich with cheese and sausage and a bear claw and a coffee roll and a bow tie and a blueberry cake donut to go with the jelly donut. Not anymore, boys. Now it's just an egg white and a black coffee. The boys at the Coli Deli call it "The Cappy".
I always dreamed that when a sandwich was named after me it'd be a bit more delicious, but you can't always get what you want. Still one of my finest hours when I saw my name written on the specials board, boys. I just need a minute wipes eyes.
OK, ok. I'm back ... Let's get through this. Brad - oh shit, we missed Nabby....Evgeni, sorry about that, it's like you were right in front of me, and BAM, I just let you slip through. Like I see him here right in front of me, like I can just reach out and grab him and keep him from getting past me, wouldn't be that hard, right? It's pretty much my job to do that, you know? But lo and behold, somehow, you slipped right by me. How you feel about that, Evgeni? Hmm? Exactly.
Now you know how it feels, buddy. Sign here, pick a door and go hang out with Byslma. I know he put you up to that performance, pal.
Aucoin: I been saying for years, can't trust those types. Collusion is in their blood, right, Timmy?
crackling voice from a speaker: Amen, Coiner.
Cappy: Hey - Timmy - while I got you there, I'm assuming the bunker only has one door, so ok if I just put you as leaving through door 1?
crackling voice from a speaker: Not sure who this "Timmy" fella you're addressing is, but let's say hypothetically speaking you were speaking to me, the answer is no, the bunker has several doors - none easy to find. Next time I do go, probably sometime in 2035 after the radiation clears, I'll most likely go out through door 712 East Mule Niner 6.
Cappy: 712 East Mule Niner 6....got it, great. Enjoy your summer, Timmy.
crackling voice from a speaker: You too...uhh...I'm sorry, I don't think I ever got your name?
Dougie: comes in covered in coffee. Asshole.
Cappy: Whoa - what happened to you?
Dougie: I'm walking down the hall, minding my own business and some guys just comes out of nowhere and tells me he's not a fan. Then he spills coffee all over me.
Cappy: You get a name?
Dougie: It had a K in it.
Cappy: Oh, probably that Cary guy from craft services. He's always telling me I'm doing this wrong, doing that wrong.
Dougie: No, not that guy. A different K guy.
Cappy: Probably related. Nothing you can do but move on, Dougie. You know what they say, "Haters gonna eat." They feed on hate, Dougie. Anyway, OK, Nabby, we're all set. Really looking forward to you being back next season, let me tell ya...you're the guy for us. #1 and all that -
Dougie: Wrong goalie.
Dougie: That's the Ricky spiel we are contractually obligated to give.
Cappy: Oh....you're right. Nabby I don't have a set spiel for you. So you're free to go.
Nabby: Free? What is "free"? Free to choose your master? Free because I don't want to pay? You know nothing of free. I hate you people. All of you. Should you perish in fire and spit, it can not be soon enough. Then would we know "free."
Cappy: If I had a nickel... Next... Mouls you ready?
Moulson: Not even....whoa....
Cappy: OK, Anders Lee....Anders or Ahnders? Either way, I'm not bothering with him either, cross him off....Brock Nelson....he played one game, door 5.....done....we're really ripping through these now. I gotta lay some cable. Pass me that paper....be back.