Carry a big stick
Outspoken goalie Tim Thomas, acquired Thursday by the New York Islanders, sees his new team as an opportunity to re-launch Teddy Roosevelt's Progressive Party.
The Islanders acquired the politically-active goaltender from Boston on Thursday and Thomas announced via Facebook his plan on move into Theodore Roosevelt's old home and continue the former president's work by organizing a new Progressive Party.
"T.R. could see, even back then, that the government was out of control with corporate corruption and graft," Thomas posted from his bunker in the Rocky Mountains. "I plan on continuing his late-life's mission to lead this great country out of the muck. This trade is a sign from God. A new Bull Moose party is needed."
Thomas has long admired Roosevelt's aggressive, trust-busting stance against big business. On his ranch in Colorado, Thomas raises his own livestock, uses coal for heat and crafts his own homemade bullets and bayonets.
"My government isn't dictated by robber barons and carpet baggers," Thomas wrote. "The only voice that matters is that of the citizens of the United States."
Roosevelt joined the Progressive Party after a heated split with the Republicans. His philosophical differences with William Howard Taft, who had succeeded him as U.S. President in 1909, led Roosevelt to seek a third term in office with the alternative party founded on the principles of "dissolving the unholy alliance between corrupt business and corrupt politics." In the 1912 presidential election, Roosevelt placed second, losing to Woodrow Wilson in the highest finish for a third party in U.S. history.
During a campaign stop in Milwaukee, Roosevelt was shot in the chest by a would-be assassin. He survived, saying, "It will take more than that to kill a Bull Moose." And thus, the Progressive Party received its more colorful name.
Roosevelt lived on Long Island from 1885 to his death in 1919. Sagamore Hill, know as his "Summer White House," is located in Oyster Bay and is currently classified as a State Park.
Thomas said he plans on challenging the government's "oppressive and restrictive monopoly on historical homes" as soon as possible.
"Citizens should be free to live where they desire," Thomas wrote. "And if I choose to live in a 150-year-old house with tiny, uncomfortable furniture, drafty windows, stuffed wildlife on the walls and velvet ropes blocking off hallways, then I should be able to."
The Islanders traded a conditional second round draft choice to the Bruins for Thomas' rights. Boston will only receive the pick if Thomas plays one game for any NHL team. He had decided at the end of last season to remain out of hockey this year, so his exuberance for joining the Islanders has taken the team by surprise.
"When (Bruins GM) Peter (Chiarelli) and I made the trade, we were pretty sure he wasn't coming," Islanders general manager Garth Snow said. "But when I talked to Tim, he started ranting about restricting lobbyists, direct elections of senators and women's suffrage. To be honest, I didn't get a word in edgewise before he said he was on his way here."
Thomas plans on taking a steam locomotive to Long Island and expects to arrive sometime in March.
This is a parody. You may now resume your regularly scheduled post-Rangers-loss-cap-circumventing-slow-rebuilding angst.