Charles Wang. (insert) Head of Stadium Peanut Distribution Jimmy Carter
Embattled Islanders owner Charles Wang addresses fans about the team's recent 5-game malaise.
SCENE: An auditorium. Charles Wang ascends to the lectern. Garth Snow and Jack Capuano are seated behind him, ready to lead the applause at scripted moments. Capuano's black eye is covered in concealer for HD screens. A "randomly" selected fan is featured as an honored guest in the audience to depict how the fan's inspiring story reflects the true glory of our great Islanders nation.
Off site, in front of a fireplace, a representative of the Angry Fan Club stands ready to film a post-address rebuttal with an Alternative View of Our Future. Islanders PR are ready to tell media what a great speech this was.
* * *
My fellow Islanders fans,
I want to talk to you right now about a fundamental threat to New York Islanders hockey. The threat is nearly invisible in ordinary ways. It is a crisis of confidence. It is a crisis that strikes at the very heart and soul and wallet of our sports fandom. We can see this crisis in the growing doubt about the meaning of our own team after loss after loss after loss after loss after loss.
In a fanbase that was proud of hard work, strong coaching, close-knit trams, and our love of Wendy's chili, too many of us now tend to worship self-indulgent trifles such as "winning" and "the playoffs." The Islanders fan identity is no longer defined by what one does or wears but by the degree of one's anger and resentment toward ownership. But we've discovered that owners and management will not satisfy our longing for meaning. Mainly because it costs me money.
I'm asking you for your good and for the good of my financial security to take no unnecessary trips to other, better arenas, to park your car one less day per week at Nassau Coliseum (most of that money goes to SMG, so I'll never see it), to obey all of my directives, and to set your expectations very low to save your blood pressure.
I have seen the strength of Islanders fans every night in the inexhaustible rage directed at me and my staff. In the days to come, you will renew that strength after a probably futile struggle against the Rangers on Thursday night.
Both inside and outside of our borders, people call me a madman, a miser, a moron, a menace. They call for me to sell the Islanders. Well,
I'm not a crook I say no way, Jose!
That's exactly what my enemies want me to do. And if it's one thing I never do is give into my enemies. You think I got this rich being a pushover? Hell. No.
Kate Murray thought I'd give in. Now she's looking to book Disney on Ice for 41 nights a year starting in 2015. Sanjay Kumar thought I'd give in. Now's he's in the slammer, hammering out by hand my next vanity license plate: "CAPFLOOR." P.A. Parenteau thought I'd give in and now he's... actually I have no idea where he is.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to talk to you all about a new initiative I have authorized. It's called "Habitat for Humiliation" and it calls for volunteers to build safe, affordable housing facilities for Islanders fans just like you. At these havens, the depressed, the disgruntled and the dangerous can get the help they need to continue watching this team. There, they can receive the proper guidance and delicious sugary drinks that will allow them to enjoy Islanders hockey once again.
Together, we can overcome losing streaks, frustrated players, the salary cap floor, the media, the team's payroll and anyone else that questions our way of life. I was selected by the National Hockey League to be owner of this great franchise. Its people look to me for leadership and strength. However, these things occasionally cost more money than I'm willing to spend, so I have a better idea.
How about silence, followed by some crazy headline-grabbing lateral moves, followed by some simple yet diabolical salary cap gymnastics? Don't worry, the players won't change. I know everyone loves Secretary of Hair Rick DiPietro as much as I do. So he won't be going anywhere.
Sound good? I hope so. Because that's all you're gonna get.
Good night and god bless the New York Islanders.
This is a parody. The real State of the Union address is tonight. Or you can watch Bruins-Rangers on NBCSports Network. The Islanders are back at it Thursday, at the Garden, with a five-game losing streak festering.