Zeitgeist: Jack Capuano delivers 'Cappysburg Address' to struggling Islanders

Gotta work on that beard, Cappy - Marianne Helm

Following a players-only meeting after their loss in Toronto, Islanders coach Jack Capuano also addressed his team, with some help from Abraham Lincoln.

The Islanders' players spent some time soul searching after last night's 5-2 loss to the Toronto Maple Leafs. The closed-door meeting was off limits to the media, but it's safe to assume the Islanders recent inconsistencies were the main topic of conversation.

Late last night, sources contacted Lighthouse Hockey to reveal another meeting that was held before the team left Air Canada Centre, this time organized by head coach Jack Capuano. Known for preaching the philosophy of "Battle Level," calling out disappointing players as passengers and scratching stars, most recently slumping winger Michael Grabner, Capuano seems like a man running out of options.

According to our source, he's turned to a new place for inspiration: president Abraham Lincoln.

"Cappy's a big history buff and obviously a best-selling author," said the source, under condition of anonymity and who is not a player, coach, equipment manager or eaves-dropping janitor. "He had been reading about the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address yesterday and after the game, he thought about Lincoln. He wanted to inspire his team the way Honest Abe inspired all those people about... whatever that speech was about. I forget."

The source was able to record Capuano's address and sent us this transcription via e-mail. As a tribute to Lincoln, the source demanded a payment of $5.01. Lighthouse Hockey agreed to pay the fee and has filed an expense report with SB Nation for reimbursement (pending).

Below is the transcript of what we're calling the "Cappysburg Address." Whether it has an effect on the Islanders, we'll have to find out on Friday, when they play the Pittsburgh Penguins. Capuano's job security may depend on it.

Six months after making the Gettysburg Address, Lincoln was assassinated by an insane actor. Whatever happens, let's hope things work out a little better for ol' Cappy:

Four scores and seven months ago our 24 players brought forth upon this league a new team, conceived as a rebuild, and dedicated to the proposition that all good teams are created through the draft, cheap free agents and waivers. (Applause.)

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether our fanbase, or any group so dedicated and crying out for wins as this, can long endure. We are met on a great ice sheet by enemies, but are also met on the street, in bars, on the internet and in the homes where we live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we face these battles, but in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow Nassau Coliseum until we win more than one game in a row.

The brave men, starting and scratched, who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor recent history. (Applause.) The world will little note, nor long remember, what we do on the ice. It is for us, the current roster of New York Islanders, rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work from last season, that we have thus far so not carried on. (Applause.)

It is rather for us here to be confident in the great task remaining before us; that from every game we take an increased Battle Level into that cause for which we gave ourselves - to establish a consistent, winning team that returns to the playoffs; that we here highly resolve that the traded and waived and not re-signed and sent to Europe shall not have died in vain. (Applause.) That the National Hockey League shall, under Garth, have a new birth of a true contender, and that the New York Islanders shall not perish from the standings.

(Long applause.)

More Satire from Lighthouse Hockey:

___

With special thanks to Les Beaver, who is growing the character of Jack Capuano one crazy script at a time.

    X
    Log In Sign Up

    forgot?
    Log In Sign Up

    Forgot password?

    We'll email you a reset link.

    If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

    Forgot password?

    Try another email?

    Almost done,

    Join Lighthouse Hockey

    You must be a member of Lighthouse Hockey to participate.

    We have our own Community Guidelines at Lighthouse Hockey. You should read them.

    Join Lighthouse Hockey

    You must be a member of Lighthouse Hockey to participate.

    We have our own Community Guidelines at Lighthouse Hockey. You should read them.

    Spinner.vc97ec6e

    Authenticating

    Great!

    Choose an available username to complete sign up.

    In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

    tracking_pixel_9355_tracker