Cliff Ronning's Notes: For all your hockey cramming needs.
News broke on Monday that a 76,000-page packet of financial documents was delivered by the NHL to the Players' Association during the latest round of CBA negotiations. That's a lot of dollar signs and toner.
Fortunately, Cliff Ronning has everyone covered.
Cliff Ronning's Notes, the world's first and most famous hockey study guide, has just published a concise compendium of all of the most pertinent information contained in the NHL's massive tome. Cliff's notes covers the high points, low payrolls and most exciting contract adventures in a way readers can understand quickly. After parsing though the thicket of hockey team finances, Cliff's notes will help make sense of what you just read, no matter how fraudulent or fantastical it seems.
Monday's packet is considered the first of multiple sets of data the NHL is expected to reveal to the players before a new CBA is hammered out. As more information is released, Cliff Ronning will be there to help you face off with it.
After the jump is a small sampling of Cliff Ronning's Notes on NHL Team Finances Part 1. Cliff Ronning's Notes are available where ever fine books and little round helmets with visors are sold.
Boston Bruins, pages 322-401:
Had, until recently, earmarked $1.5 million to build Tim Thomas his own separate locker room in the TD Garden parking lot.
Colorado Avalanche, pages 547-610:
Includes expense reports detailing over 45 flights to and from Sweden for a Mr. "Foppa" between 2007 and 2011.
Columbus Blue Jackets, pages 1020-1116:
Chicago Blackhawks, pages 2122-2347:
Itemized receipts from Patrick Kane's bar tabs from June to October 2010 ONLY.
Detroit Red Wings, pages 4212-4930:
Includes written-off donations to a local artist to design and erect a lifesized Tomas Holmstrom statue to stand directly outside Joe Louis Arena. The statue shall not be moved under any circumstances and will never, ever be called for a goalie interference penalty.
Edmonton Oilers, pages 5475-6685:
Includes a list of expenses labeled "Chris Pronger's business dinners" throughout the 2005-06 season. Names of Pronger's business associates have been redacted.
Florida Panthers, pages 8578-8815:
Any and all relevant financial details in the history of the franchise are conveniently contained within the team's 2011-2012 player roster.
New Jersey Devils, pages 12,555-13,666:
Financial records are incomplete due to some pertinent papers having been recently stolen from an intern's car outside the team's offices in Newark.
New York Islanders, pages 17,002-25,884:
By far the most complex and complicated low-revenue/low-payroll team section, the Islanders' appear to have spent more money on artificial hips and groin surgeries than player salaries since 2006. To keep costs down, the Islanders cut ties with their team accountant and recruited a few members of Nassau Community College's Economics and Finance Club to finalize their team report.
New York Rangers, pages 27,989-36,256:
Despite not actually being listed as a team employee, a yearly salary of $25 million has apparently been paid to NBA Hall of Famer Isiah Thomas from 2003-to-present.
Phoenix Coyotes, pages: none
The Coyotes were given a special exemption, even though they are owned by the NHL. Details of their financial state will be released when someone with actual money finally buys the damn team.
Tampa Bay Lightning, page 45,291:
The Lightning's finances are summed up with a single photo of Vincent Lecavalier driving away from the arena in a Hyundai full of money.
Toronto Maple Leafs, pages 45,292-53,621:
Includes the names and credit card information of all lower-bowl season ticket holders, as well as their most likely whereabouts for the first half of every period of every home game.
Washington Capitals, pages 58,114-60,390:
The Capitals appear to have no profits to disclose prior to the 2005-06 season.
Young Reader's Section, pages 62,988-63,007:
A special NHL adaptation of Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree" is provided to explain how revenue sharing works.
NHL's Bonfire of the Bankruptcies, 1967-2012, pages 65,426-69,227:
Appendices, pages 71,767-76,001
Comprised of the Tolkien-esque tales, "The Doom that Came to Scott Gomez," "The Talented Mr. Leipold," "Santa's No-Trade Clause is Comin' to Calgary" and "Keep Your Hands Off My Money, You Filthy Animals: The Ed Snider Story"
This parody is a total rip-off. I'm sure by the time you read this, Down Goes Brown will have done a funnier, better-written version on this same topic. This was also a group project by several LHH contributors.