UNIONDALE, N.Y. (Aggravated Press) _ The New York Islanders' upcoming season came to disappointing end on Sunday with a lackluster 4-1 loss on the first day of NHL free agency.
The signings of defenseman Matt Carkner and winger Eric Boulton, and the loss of winger P.A. Parenteau to Colorado and forward Micheal Haley to the Rangers combined to irreparably hurt the Islanders three months before any member of the team actually takes the ice. All three markers came with much better options available and with puzzling amounts of money and term being reported.
Brad Boyes scored the Islanders' lone positive move in the first period of the day. The acquisition came on a fluke play in which a former 40-goal scorer has a dreadful, pitiful season and signs for spare change out of desperation and to avoid playing in Switzerland this coming year.
"Obviously, we're very disappointed that the season is over, especially considering we haven't actually played any games yet," said center John Tavares, who spent Sunday calling new teammates to welcome them to Long Island as if it mattered.
"The goal every season is to make the playoffs and since we won't do that this year under any circumstances, It hurts. It really does."
New York got off to a quick start Sunday by signing Boyes. The move wasn't pretty, but the Islanders were happy to take anything they could get.
"I just saw the offer there in front of me and, you know, sometimes you get lucky and it goes in," said Boyes, who isn't going to help anyway. "You need those type of deals but, unfortunately, we're not going to capitalize on it, so who cares?"
An evenly played few hours were erased by three unanswered mistakes that cost the Islanders an entire season that hasn't started yet.
Carkner's signing came first, with too many years and a dollar amount that blew away what was offered by his former team. The veteran goon/pylon will now take a roster spot away from one of the 487 defense prospects in the Islanders' system, stunting their development forever.
"It's definitely not how we wanted the season to end," said Carkner, who stinks. "For me personally, I really wanted to help the team this year being my first one on the Island. But I just made everything worse and teams are going to score, like, a million goals against us.
"But hey, at least I can fight."
The second period saw the Islanders hurt by the loss of two players that they could and should have just brought back because watching them leave sucks. Parenteau took a four year, $16 million deal from the Avalanche that the Islanders could have matched but didn't because of some stupid reason probably. Parenteau, who wasn't traded last season but should have been because he was never coming back anyway no matter what he, his agent or Garth Snow said, will most likely will not be replaced by anyone else at any point this coming season, limiting the amount of goals the Islanders might score this year.
"I mean, I look over to my right and there's no one there," said Tavares, weeping.
Haley's signing with the Rangers was the final nail in the 2012-2013 season. As predictable as a sunrise, the seldom-used but beloved enforcer's joining the Islanders' biggest rival caused a few million fans to swear off the team for good again this year just like they've done every year since 1995.
"Sometimes you get the bounces and sometimes you don't. Today, we didn't, so we're done," said head coach Jack Capuano, who is another goddamn problem altogether, don't even get me started. "But, you know, losing an entire season in one day without playing any games is the kind of adversity that builds teams, builds character and all that other bullshit.
"We'll just come back stronger in 2013-2014. Unless we blow that, too. That's not entirely out of the question. This summer's just getting started."
NOTES: Useless fist-thrower Eric Boulton was signed with the goalie pulled and a few minutes left to go in the third period of the day. ... A bunch of other teams signed a bunch of other good players on Sunday. The Islanders had no shot at any of them because of course. ... Islanders general manager Garth Snow watched the game from a luxury box but did not speak to reporters afterward. He is expected to sit around, do nothing, smoke crack and destroy the team with more stupid moves in the coming days. ... Attendance was announced as a sellout, but that's probably another lie.
The preceding was a parody. I'm not gonna tell people how to feel after yesterday's moves since I don't even know how I feel after yesterday's moves. I'm hoping that whether you're happy or bummed, we can all take a break and have a quick laugh. Unless this is the Eric Boulton of hockey parodies. Then I'm screwed.