Transcript: NHL Disciplinary Video for Cam Janssen

"This is a clear violation of The Verbal Idiocy Rule."

I'm Chris Chelios of the NHL's Department of Off Ice Player Safety. Thursday afternoon in St. Louis, an incident occurred on an internet radio show between Devils forward Cam Janssen and a pair of shock jocks.

Around 2 p.m., Janssen made several insensitive remarks about homosexuals, sex, sex with fat women, committing violent and possible illegal acts on the ice, the Stanley Cup champion L.A. Kings and their fans. As the video shows, while fielding leading questions from his juvenile hosts, Janssen recklessly and gleefully wallows in behavior that any rational thinking person over the age of 12 would find disgusting or, at the very least, severely off-putting and unorthodox. This is a clear violation of The Verbal Idiocy Rule, which states:

Verbal Idiocy Rule 23BB: Any act of verbal idiocy which targets a person or group of persons with the expressed purpose of making the speaker appear like a big tough guy shall, in reality, make that speaker look like a caveman buffoon who has taken too many blows to the head.

(WARNING: The following contains NSFW language)

As we watch Janssen during the interview, he is sitting down at the microphone legally chatting with Thom and Jeff of "The Thom & Jeff Show." As the hosts pursue risque questions and topics, Janssen does not turn away from the play, and in fact responds with outlandish answers until the interview resembles a conversation heard in a middle school cafeteria between pimply-faced early pubescent boys.

Comments Janssen made during the altercation include, but were not limited to, the following:

(on L.A. Fans after the Kings won the Stanley Cup)

Janssen: "It's going to be good for hockey for all of those whatever-you-want-to-call-thems over there, to get into hockey."

(on the Kings winning the Stanley Cup and after a pointless story by one of the hosts about having sex with a fat woman)

Janssen: "Damn fat broads, man ... (The Kings) are the fat broads you just regret banging. I've been there and done that. It's a very good experience to see what it takes to make it that far. But losing like that, holy shit that was a buzzkill."

(on using personal information to unsettle opponents)

Thom (or Jeff. It really doesn't matter): "But if the guy was [fellating, shall we say] four weeks ago, you're gonna let him know about it?"

Janssen: "Oh, if he's [fellating] he's getting his ass kicked."

Jeff (Maybe. Who cares?): "(much laughter) How does this taste, buddy?"

(On hurting opponents)

Janssen: "If guys start chirping me when I skate by the bench, I'll say I'm going to hurt somebody on this f*** team. Whoever's got the puck with their f**** head down, I'll f************ hurt you. Then on the next shift guys will just get rid of the puck because they know I'm coming."

Janssen also talks at length about the Devils' run to the Stanley Cup finals despite watching the entire playoffs from the press box.

We have also taken into account the fact that Janssen has not been fined or suspended for any previous discriminatory remarks he may have made on "The Thom & Jeff Show," but this may be because nobody had ever heard of "The Thom & Jeff Show" before yesterday when they found an actual NHL "player" stupid enough to say some crazy shit on video that they could use to goose their page hits or online profile.

To summarize:

  • This is clear verbal idiocy.
  • Janssen's comments were insensitive, stupid, offensive, bone-headed, small-minded, uncalled for and generally really, really dumb.
  • Janssen and the hosts dismiss "banging fat chicks" despite the fact that Thom and Jeff probably haven't been close enough to a woman to smell her perfume in the last 10 years.
  • Janssen has not been fined or suspended for saying stupid things before, possibly because no one was paying any attention.

The Department of Off Ice Player Safety has decided to sentence Cam Janssen to a thousand hours of community service for the You Can Play Project. The NHL also recommends Janssen be banished to some far flung minor league or European team for the upcoming season, although that shouldn't be a problem once Lou Lamoriello figures out how to work the YouTubes.

The NHL also fines "The Thom & Jeff Show" $2,112 for besmirching the good name of Rush and using Tom Sawyer as their theme song.

Star-divide

Previous NHL Off Ice Disciplinary Video Transcripts: Ryan Getzlaf & Corey Perry

___

This is a parody. Janssen hasn't actually been suspended. Yet. And he did issue an apology through the team.

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