"Ask not what the Islanders can do for you but what can you do for the Islanders. Also, can I use your bathroom?"
Islanders general manager Garth Snow recently had one of those illuminating town hall-style Q&A sessions with season ticket holders, fielding fan questions about this past season and the team's plans going into the summer. Part of the annual initiative to closely connect with longtime fans and assuage fears, it's also a way to sell fans on why they should buy season tickets after another losing season.
But Snow's efforts won't stop at group meetings.
Lighthouse Hockey has learned of Snow's plans to make house calls with certain individual season ticket holders over the next week. The door-to-door tour will require sharp sales skills, some sparkling charisma and kid gloves. A little inside information wouldn't hurt either.
By procuring the services of an "Anonymous" group of Internet hackers/activists*, we have obtained Snow's top secret schedule for these visits that will take him across Long Island. But that's not all we got.
The Microsoft Office 98 spreadsheet also contains some pertinent personal proclivities of the selected fans, gathered by Islanders PR staff and ticket reps, that Snow plans to use to better influence his hosts. Whether it's a special request, a sensitive topic or a burning question, every season ticket holder has an issue that Snow wants to be aware of before taking on such a unique and delicate mission for the future of his club.
The schedule is presented after the jump, and offers a startling glimpse into the lengths the Islanders will go to regain fan confidence. Names have been redacted to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent.
Note: To view the full table, you'll want to make sure you are viewing this site in "wide" mode, changeable via the wide/narrow links in the upper right hand corner of the page.
|11:00 AM||Mr. & Mrs. XXXX||XXXX Baldwin Ave.||Massapequa||Bring cookies|
|12:30 PM||Mrs. XXXXXXXXX||XXXX Carey St.||Garden City||Bring shirtless pictures of Matt Martin.|
|02:00 PM||Mr. XXXXXXXXXXX||XXXX Matilda La.||Syossett||Wants to speak to Howie Rose regarding whether or not he cares this year.|
|07:00 PM||Mr. & Mrs. XXXXXX||XXXX Snider St.||Valley Stream||DO NO TALK ABOUT SEAN BERGENHEIM.|
|10:30 AM||Mr. XXXXXXX||XXXX Brolin Ave.||Amityville||Thinks asbestos at the Coliseum gave him consumption.|
|12:00 PM||Mr. XXXXXXXXXX||XXXX Amanda La.||Massapequa Pk||Wants to see how many kids can fit comfortably under your old shoulder pads.|
|02:00 PM||Mr. & Mrs. XXXXX||XXXX Lindsay St.||Merrick||Wants to drive Zamboni. Down Sunrise Highway.|
|11:00 AM||Mrs. XXXXXXXXXX||XXXX Erving Dr.||Roosevelt||Wants to be followed by Michael Grabner on Twitter.|
|01:00 PM||Mr. XXXXXXXXXXX||XXXX Liberty St.||Seaford||Is demanding phone numbers of at least three Ice Girls.|
|02:00 PM||Dr. & Mrs. XXXXXX||XXXX Reilly Ct.||Levittown||Wrote six new verses to "The Chicken Dance"|
|04:00 PM||Mrs. XXXXXXXXX||XXXX Foley La.||East Setauket||Wants to know why Crazy Eddie is no longer a sponsor.|
|07:30 PM||Mr. XXXXXXXXXXX||XXXX Gerardo St.||Lindenhurst||Wants to borrow Sparky the Dragon costume for D&D LARP session.|
|10:00 AM||Mrs. XXXXXXXXXXXX||XXXX Dharma St.||Stony Brook||Thinks you should sign Parise, Suter, Jagr, Doan and Semin. Also a Yankees fan.|
|12:00 PM||Mr. XXXXXX||XXXX Morita La||Huntington||Demands meeting with Mr. Wang. Keeps mentioning Pearl Harbor. Police escort set.|
|01:30 PM||Mr. & Mrs. XXXXXXX||XXXX Dudley Rd||Dix Hills||Each may be wearing a Zenon Konopka Senators jersey.|
|11:00 AM||Mrs. XXXXXXXXXX||XXXX Gibson St.||Merrick||Wants to know what Parenteau meant by "Fish Plucking." Good luck with that.|
(* - actually, we just hired the Chaminade High School Computer Technology Club to steal some e-mails. Wasn't that hard.)
Stick tap to DPKnees for the inspiration for this parody.