Your NHL Fan Offseason Wishlist Template
by Keith Quinn on Jun 30, 2011 1:35 PM EDT
in LHH Zeitgeist
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PrintDo you love to come up with strange free agency scenarios, but hate getting carpal tunnel from stretching to hit "shift" and "1" at the same time? Have you always wanted to sound like other internet lunatics but never had the same belligerence?
Well, Lighthouse Hockey's R&D department knows how you feel, so we introduce to you the easy-to-complete, jargon-laden, attitude-infused, internet-approved, "Offseason Wishlist Template." Just, cut, paste, add in some names and delete and you're basically a GM!
For a limited time, buy now, and we will ship you the forthcoming "Offseason Move Checkup Template" so you can evaluate your "brilliance/mistake" throughout the season.
Title: We should go get (Name of: guy who had career year in walk year, up-and-coming RFA, previously good UFA on downside of career, enigma, Christian Ehrhoff)!!!12!
Section A: Expressing Team Need
This team (doesn't want to win, doesn't spend money, keeps making bad deals, has no prospects, has no leadership/veteran presence), so I think we should go get (guy named above). Our (offense, defense, goaltending) doesn't (score, keep the puck out of the net, hit, try hard, exhibit heart) as evidenced by (choose one or more inappropriate metric: +/-, goals against average, hits, takeaways, team record, body language)!!!eleven
(Guy we're talking about) brings (intangible: leadership, presence, intensity, grit, truculence, jam, fire, sandpaper) that can help this team (cliche: get to the next level, be a contender, contend for a cup) and stop being (a) (frequently used meme to describe team: JOKE, DISGRACE, ALSO RAN, DOORMAT, BUBBLE TEAM, DISRESPECTED AROUND TEH LEAGEU) and RETURN TO THE GLORY OF TEH (Last date your team was good)11!!!
Section B: Means of Acquisition (aka 1: Propose 2: ??? 3: Stanley Cup!)
If we offer (lopsided trade scenario/contract value that doesn't match salary cap or CBA: guy(s) who suck(s) that now you currently overvalue, middling prospect(s), lower round draft pick(s), contract that is too long/too much money), I'm sure we can pry (guy's name) from (current team) because (TEHY SUCK, HE"S NEVER GOING TO WIN THERE, THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO MATCH, THEY HAVE CAP PROBLEMS, THEY NEED [shit you're offering])!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Guy's Name) would be a good addition to the (team nickname that shows you are too invested in them) by providing (reiterated intangible: leadership, veteran presence, never say die attitude, mentorship for the kids, a kick in the ass for [enigmatic player name]).
It's time for (team's GM) to get OFF HIS *SS AND GET THIS TEAM BACK TO RESPECTABILITY ADN STOP MAKING DEALS LIKE (MIKE MILBURY, JAY FEASTER, DALE TALLON, GLEN SATHER, BRIAN BURKE)21!!!!!!!!!!!
Section C: Proof
I'm sick and tired of the (NHL, referees, other fanbases, guys on the internet, closest rival's fans, Puck Daddy, Ryan Lambert, those *&^$#'s at TSN) talking about (pronoun that associates you with the team like you work in the front office) like the (team/league you have disgust for: TEH ISLANDERS, TEH THRASHERS, TEH OILERS, TEH PANTHERS, TEH RANGERS, [random expansion team of (era)], [alternate lesser league], (*substitute stupid nickname only your fanbase uses here as applicable)!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Make it happen (GM nickname ending in usual NHL "y" or "ie") or we as fans will (threat no one believes or cares about: stop buying tickets, wear bags on our head, STOP WACTHING, RIOT) and root for a team that knows how to win like (recent cup winner: TEH PENGUINS, TEH BLACKHAWKS, TEH BRUINS, TEH RED WINGS)!!!
LTES GO (TEAM NAME) in (year)!!!!!!!@11!2
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This is great
I’m sure we can pry (guy’s name) from (current team) because (TEHY SUCK, HE"S NEVER GOING TO WIN THERE, THEY CAN’T AFFORD TO MATCH, THEY HAVE CAP PROBLEMS, THEY NEED [shit you’re offering])!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love it.
"It's too bad he lives in the city. He's depriving some small village of a pretty good idiot" - Mike Milbury on Ziggy Palffy's agent Paul Kraus during Palffy's contract holdout in 1998.
Offseason Mad Libs!
Good stuff. Don’t forget the Scornful Dismissal Template:
1. Pick a tone. Are you going for arrogant? Outraged? Bemused? Pro tip: the combo approach works best. The opponent will usually reply to just one of the tones, leaving you free to follow up with “You’re missing the point! You don’t have an answer!”
2. Dismissive subject line. Should be scornful without being open grounds for deletion or banning. Bonus points for misspelling. Examples: “Your crazy/dreaming,” “Why would [target team] want to do that,” or “Not [overvalued player], he’s way undervalued!” Pro tip: skip the subject line for bonus annoyance.
3. Comment length. This is where you have to make hard choices. It’s just too easy to get carried away – a long, point-by-point demolition is really easy to skip past. You never want your target to ignore your savage wisdom when you’re trying to shiv him with it! Keep it pithy. Bonus: this means you can follow up with fresh material.
4. Hit them where it hurts. If this proposed trade or signing falls into a pattern for that poster, you’re already halfway there. Digging at them in this area will sting personally and guarantee a long, satsifying brawl.
5. Your trademark. Are you already known for something on the board? Maybe you hate a player, or love a player, or usually quote advanced metrics, or carp on the team’s need to pursue size/speed/youth/veterans/etc. Use it! You can always work that into your reply. ALWAYS. Even if the proposed player fits your wishes perfectly, you can object to the cost (in dollars or in what would be given up). Pro tip: if you just want to be a tool, you can play the “even I don’t like this player who is exactly everything I love about hockey players” card.
6. Non-sequitur. You have to throw in one off-topic or irrelevant factoid to make it truly memorable. Example: you decide that the worst thing about the deal is the low-round draft pick involved. You immediately point out the three best fourth-round picks in NHL history… Or, a bona-fide game-breaking center becomes unexpectedly available. You point out the fifteen mediocre wings your team has, and conclude that he’d be wasted on your team and you shouldn’t bother.
6. Dismissive closing. “Puh-leeeeze” is still serviceable, but coming up with a good new sneer is preferred. Pro tip: if you had two great subject lines, use the shorter one here as your sign-off.
Happy ripping!
We may be in the box, but you get the penalty.
Lighthouse Hockey - a beacon of greatness on the rocky coast of sports blog mediocrity
Non-hockey scribblings at nightflyblog
by mikb on Jun 30, 2011 2:13 PM EDT reply actions 5 recs
Perfect!
Why is this not a story? We should make up a whole manual!
When the Isles make us drink, we curse Milbury through a monocle and with our pinkies out. Lighthouse Hockey & Chivas-All Class.
Website:Lighthouse Hockey Twitter: @KeithLHHockey
by Keith Quinn on Jun 30, 2011 2:28 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions
Wait a second...
Are you already known for something on the board? Maybe you hate a player, or love a player
That’s it, me and my Frans Nielsen jersey are about to open a can of Danish on you.
The Canucks just went to Game 7 of the finals with a Dane — and then drafted another. Obviously this is the way to go. Errr, duh!
Lighthouse Hockey: A flute with no holes is not a flute. A Dane with no holes is Frans Nielsen.
Pffffffft
Obviously u just want to trade JT for Peter Regin, straight-up.
Go Team Hamlet! ! ! ! eleven !
We may be in the box, but you get the penalty.
Lighthouse Hockey - a beacon of greatness on the rocky coast of sports blog mediocrity
Non-hockey scribblings at nightflyblog
Danez r the beessst!!1
Lighthouse Hockey: A flute with no holes is not a flute. A Dane with no holes is Frans Nielsen.
Two number sixes?
Great editing, grammar king! Who wrote this crap?
Oh, great, now I can’t stop. This is why we can’t have nice things.
We may be in the box, but you get the penalty.
Lighthouse Hockey - a beacon of greatness on the rocky coast of sports blog mediocrity
Non-hockey scribblings at nightflyblog
Just blame an SBN gremlin
Lighthouse Hockey: A flute with no holes is not a flute. A Dane with no holes is Frans Nielsen.
Great job Keith...rec'd
This needs a web based GUI complete with drop downs, radio buttons and a [SEND] button… addressed to RumorMill@HockeyBuzz.com
Lighthouse Hockey: where "you better check yourself before you rec yourself" -bobl
If your life isn't pathetic enough already, follow me on twitter @JPinVA
I remember a time
When Rutherford said he couldn’t sign his free agents.
A Pitkanen, LaRose and Jokinen later…
Lighthouse Hockey: A flute with no holes is not a flute. A Dane with no holes is Frans Nielsen.
I've been thinking about that
He’s risk/reward, but how badly could it backfire? So we end up with a second Trent Hunter for the year? It’s insurance.
Lighthouse Hockey: A flute with no holes is not a flute. A Dane with no holes is Frans Nielsen.
I think you are going to need insurance......
when the SB suits read your suggestion, but how about me – I could skate near the ice girls for insurance.
I'm trying to follow, but
Wait, which SB suits? Which suggestion? (Sorry, I’m probably being dense and missing a good one-liner here.)
Lighthouse Hockey: A flute with no holes is not a flute. A Dane with no holes is Frans Nielsen.
Amazing. /Claps like Orson Wells in that .gif I can't find./
Template must have gotten cut off since I can’t see the JAGR section, or is it an Appendix.
Quick Idea
I’m not one to be in favor of “getting rid” of PAP, but is CLB seeking a pass-first winger to play with Carter and Nash? Seems like an easy sell: “If he can put up 53 points with JT and Moulson, imagine what he could do with Carter and Nash.” Also, Carter and Nash bring more physicality, so seems like it may be an even better fit than he is on Isles top line. Nash plays either wing, right? If PAP (and perhaps a little more) could land a solid defenseman, it may be a match.
by North Dakota Red Eagle on Jun 30, 2011 3:55 PM EDT reply actions
Offer Radek Martinek 3 million for one year
At least Radek doesn’t mind playing on Long Island. Regardless of of his health he’s still a top 4 NHL defensemen.
trade for douglas murray,brad marchand.sign vokoun,richards and jagr.try to get parise...
voila! instant contender.( see,that wasnt that hard)
by Lakewood Islander on Jun 30, 2011 4:47 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
What about Stamkos?
"It's too bad he lives in the city. He's depriving some small village of a pretty good idiot" - Mike Milbury on Ziggy Palffy's agent Paul Kraus during Palffy's contract holdout in 1998.
Get in line behind Philadelphia, Toronto, Florida etc
Poor Tampa Bay will have to match someone’s offer sheet.
i hope after Stamkos signs the big offer sheet
TB matches and ships him off to Winnipeg! LOL The 90s Are Back!!!
by CanadianIsleslifer on Jun 30, 2011 5:34 PM EDT reply actions
Im very nervous about tomorrow
We just threw $5m+ for 5+ years at a guy who wasnt what we needed. Consider that this is the most critical time in our rebuild. Our team is on the cusp, and we want it so bad, but need to be patient a little longer. The goal is to win a Stanley Cup, and for us to develop into a consistent contender, Snow will need to be more careful with our money. Im tired of sucking. I dont want a bubble team crest on my hat. I want to look back 20 years from now and say “I was there for that.”, and in order for “that” to be truly worth remembering, we all need to take a deep breath and say “Soon”.
by backstop87 on Jun 30, 2011 6:00 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Oh yeah sorry Keith
We could use a more defensive minded dmen, but not another 5/6. Thats why I think Snow(y) should sign Scott Hannan as long as the $/Term arent crazy
Is this the year?
Will Snow be able to land a big name player?
Or will we continue to have better players say “Fluck You Islanders!!”
We shall see.
Get out of the sticks, Charles, move to Queens!! Come, Get some respect a Professional team deserves!!
Not the year
There are no big name players left!
Lighthouse Hockey: A flute with no holes is not a flute. A Dane with no holes is Frans Nielsen.
JP Dumont
Disagrees with you!
"I bet Calgary wishes they had a backup goalie as their GM" - Pauly C
Contributor to Lighthouse Hockey not sure if I'm the Sniper or the Enforcer.
This is why you should be able to rec a POST green, rather than just the comments.
Only half a year 'til Opening Night! ... *Sigh!*
by ICanSeeForIslesAndIsles on Jul 1, 2011 8:49 AM EDT reply actions
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1979-80
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May 24, 1980: Tonelli to Nystrom. At long last, the steady build of the New York Islanders from expansion doormat to surprise semifinalist to annual contender reaches the promised land: Buoyed by a late season trade for Butch Goring that gave the team the depth up the middle GM Bill Torrey had been seeking, the Islanders knock off the Philadelphia Flyers in six games.
The victory justified the faith in coach Al Arbour who guided them from their second season to their first Stanley Cup seven seasons later. The Islanders would not be the first expansion team to win the Stanley Cup, but they would be the only one capable of a dynasty.
1980-81
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May 21, 1981: This time it was much easier. After falling to "only" 91 points in the 1979-80 season, the Islanders returned to their division title tradition, piling up 110 points -- a whole 13 points over second-place Philadelphia.
Between the quarterfinals (where they beat the upstart Oilers in six games) and the finals, the Islanders reeled off eight consecutive wins -- with a four-game sweep of archrival Rangers in between. As they defeated the Minnesota North Stars in five games for their second Cup, their goal difference in the final was a combined +10.
1981-82
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May 16, 1982: Another year, another landslide title. The Islanders won the Patrick Division by a whopping 26 points over the second-place Rangers, and were seven points clear of their nearest competition for the President's Trophy, the still-not-quite-ripe Edmonton Oilers.
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1982-83
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May 17, 1983: Not so fast, whipper-snappers. The Edmonton Oilers' steadily rising challenge for league supremacy took them all the way to the finals for the first time, where the New York Islanders summarily dispatched them in a four-game sweep. For the Islanders, the Dynasty was secured. For the Oilers, it was a powerful lesson in where talent ends and the demands of playoff hockey begin.
Four years, four Cups, 16 consecutive playoff series wins (a record that would grow to 19 until the rematch with the Oilers the following year). Mike Bossy scored 60 goals yet again, and Wayne Gretzky became acquainted with Billy Smith's crease.
