Your NHL Fan Offseason Wishlist Template

Do you love to come up with strange free agency scenarios, but hate getting carpal tunnel from stretching to hit "shift" and "1" at the same time? Have you always wanted to sound like other internet lunatics but never had the same belligerence?

Well, Lighthouse Hockey's R&D department knows how you feel, so we introduce to you the easy-to-complete, jargon-laden, attitude-infused, internet-approved, "Offseason Wishlist Template." Just, cut, paste, add in some names and delete and you're basically a GM!

For a limited time, buy now, and we will ship you the forthcoming "Offseason Move Checkup Template" so you can evaluate your "brilliance/mistake" throughout the season.

Title: We should go get (Name of: guy who had career year in walk year, up-and-coming RFA, previously good UFA on downside of career, enigma, Christian Ehrhoff)!!!12!

Section A: Expressing Team Need

This team (doesn't want to win, doesn't spend money, keeps making bad deals, has no prospects, has no leadership/veteran presence), so I think we should go get (guy named above).  Our (offense, defense, goaltending) doesn't (score, keep the puck out of the net, hit, try hard, exhibit heart) as evidenced by (choose one or more inappropriate metric: +/-, goals against average, hits, takeaways, team record, body language)!!!eleven

(Guy we're talking about) brings (intangible: leadership, presence, intensity, grit, truculence, jam, fire, sandpaper) that can help this team (cliche: get to the next level, be a contender, contend for a cup) and stop being (a) (frequently used meme to describe team: JOKE, DISGRACE, ALSO RAN, DOORMAT, BUBBLE TEAM, DISRESPECTED AROUND TEH LEAGEU) and RETURN TO THE GLORY OF TEH (Last date your team was good)11!!!

 

Section B: Means of Acquisition (aka 1: Propose  2: ???  3: Stanley Cup!)

If we offer (lopsided trade scenario/contract value that doesn't match salary cap or CBA: guy(s) who suck(s) that now you currently overvalue, middling prospect(s), lower round draft pick(s), contract that is too long/too much money), I'm sure we can pry (guy's name) from (current team) because (TEHY SUCK, HE"S NEVER GOING TO WIN THERE, THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO MATCH, THEY HAVE CAP PROBLEMS, THEY NEED [shit you're offering])!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Guy's Name) would be a good addition to the (team nickname that shows you are too invested in them) by providing (reiterated intangible: leadership, veteran presence, never say die attitude, mentorship for the kids, a kick in the ass for [enigmatic player name]).

It's time for (team's GM) to get OFF HIS *SS AND GET THIS TEAM BACK TO RESPECTABILITY ADN STOP MAKING DEALS LIKE (MIKE MILBURY, JAY FEASTER, DALE TALLON, GLEN SATHER, BRIAN BURKE)21!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

Section C: Proof

I'm sick and tired of the (NHL, referees, other fanbases, guys on the internet, closest rival's fans, Puck Daddy, Ryan Lambert, those *&^$#'s at TSN) talking about (pronoun that associates you with the team like you work in the front office) like the (team/league you have disgust for: TEH ISLANDERS, TEH THRASHERS, TEH OILERS, TEH PANTHERS, TEH RANGERS, [random expansion team of (era)], [alternate lesser league], (*substitute stupid nickname only your fanbase uses here as applicable)!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Make it happen (GM nickname ending in usual NHL "y" or "ie") or we as fans will (threat no one believes or cares about: stop buying tickets, wear bags on our head, STOP WACTHING, RIOT) and root for a team that knows how to win like (recent cup winner: TEH PENGUINS, TEH BLACKHAWKS, TEH BRUINS, TEH RED WINGS)!!!

LTES GO (TEAM NAME) in (year)!!!!!!!@11!2

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