With the NHL entry draft rapidly approaching, hope for many players, fans, and franchises is the norm, but often there's despair in the long run. While the next generation of NHL hopefuls gear up for the biggest rite of passage in their hockey playing lives, we ascribe fictional capabilities and comparisons the likes of which would make Nostradamus turn his back on the field of predictions. While many players may actualize the lofty cross generational all-star and hall of fame persona comparisons, most will not and a several more may not even make the NHL.
In order to help ease the future suffering of fans looking for a franchise-savior and add clarity to current draft debate, we are providing advanced doomsday scenarios that examine the faults of the draftees, worst-case career potential and the introduction of Lighthouse Hockey's formula we call the Bustability Quotient (BQ), a scientifically proven (*Not really) 1-5 scale that evaluates the draftee relative to a comparable Islander bust-legend. Noted bust enthusiast -- and one of the top "bust-drafters" of all-time -- Mike Milbury joins us to lend his evaluative expertise. So sit back, relax and expect the worst...we disappoint you now, so it hurts less later.
5'6" 163 2/8/93 Shoots R (Born Anaheim CA)
Game Deficits: He's small...he's actually so small he gets piggy back rides from Nathan Gerbe. He's borrowing Martin St. Louis' suit for the draft and had to have the pants hemmed.
Potential Psychological Issue: Extremely religious, never swears, "ministers" to roommates.
Milbury Thought: I don't know, a kid this religious probably would never stand up for his teammates or shoe-beat anyone.
Career Projection: Locker room cancer...Especially if he's drafted by a team God doesn't like and there's a lot of losing. Keep your signing bonus out of the collection plate kid. Not likely to be a teammate of Sean Avery or PA Parenteau.
6'2" 185 12/5/92 Shoots L (Born Strathroy, ON, Canada)
Game Deficits: Tries to do to much offensively. "He's pressing for points...gets a lot of opportunities because he jumps into the rush very well, says Coach Gerard Gallant.
Potential Psychological Issue: Daddy was head coach and GM of St. John when he was a rookie.
Milbury Thought: "It's bad enough when girls have daddy issues...but I guess he should for having that unpronounceable French last name."
Career Projection: Underwhelms throughout his ELC and agent (Dad) threatens Lindrosian/Yashinian, hybrid, contract signability issue landing
Beau Nate in the KHL for the balance of his career. There he is consistently mocked behind his back for his Snooki "poof" haircut because he never learned Russian.
6'3" 191 3/31/93 Shoots R (Born Pori, Finland)
Game Deficits: Defensive liability, choked in WJCs, not agitating enough to fit Finnish stereotype, ridiculous haircut.
Potential Psychological Issue: Doesn't get that skill alone doesn't cut it, misunderstood, may be prone to saying nasty things to people on twitter and land in NHL anger management program. Tikkanese may be misunderstood as cursing bosses under his breath.
Milbury Thought: Asshat...that's a funny team. Armia though huh? That sounds tough...like army...I'm torn, because he's also European, so he can't be tough...hmmm.
Career Projection: Enigma. Lot's of talent, no heart. Leads NHL in dives and spearing majors from 2013-2018. Retires and opens chain of failed fast food herring shops.
Scouts Nationalistic/Racist Comparable: Teemu Selanne
We Say: (BQ)- 5 Petteri Nokelainens
6'2" 192 9/7/93 Shoots L (Born Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)
Game Deficits: Not much, but "questionable decision making" makes an appearance.
Potential Psychological Issue: His name, favorite TV show- "2 1/2 Men", favorite song is "Burn It To The Ground" by Nickelback (This is an old Islander goal song that was voted out in favor of "Bro Hymn").
Milbury Thought: That's disgusting...and I can relate to questionable decision making...but how questionable? I don't think I would draft him though...there aren't enough red flags.
Career Projection: Excessive use of NHLPA SABH program...#winning.
5'10 (and a half!) 175 10/5/92 Shoots L (Born Bern, Switzerland)
Game Deficits: Smallish, not strong on the boards and doesn't go to the high traffic areas.
Potential Psychological Issue: Preference for cream cheese bagels and "The Cheesecake Factory" and that prominent probiscus may have him hanging out with Long Island housewives getting fat and having elective surgeries.
Also: How will he fit on Long Island with his distaste for "high traffic areas"?
Milbury Thought: He sounds just European enough to draft, ruin and trade! Also sounds like a bit of a wuss.
Career Projection: His rookie year is his best as his goal totals are inversely proportional to his girth. Balloons to Wellwoodian proportions within 5 years as he only leaves the house to go to "The Cheesecake Factory".
Scouts Say: We don't have another proven Swiss guy to reference.
We Say: BQ- 3.5 Dave Chyzowskis
Note: 6-10 and 1-5 in this draft of busts will be coming in the next couple of weeks along with some outliers and movers and shakers.