[Updated] NHL Power Rankings, Parodies

No smoking this Cuban.

Through a clerical error in the LHH boiler room, our own weekly Power Rankings isn't updated as of this posting, but it will be added in a few hours. [Update: They're attached now.] Those responsible have been shot. In the interim, we still have the media rankings survey as well as the now-weekly parody of what media members are saying. Distraction-worthy links first:

Media Rankings Survey

Here is what they're actually saying, and much of it is positive and surprisingly unrelated to the thug meme that has dominated the impressions of those who didn't actually see either the Pens or Wild games.

Guy who apparently hasn't watched an Isles game this year? Portzline. Guy who is late to the Prevailing Narrative? Portzline. What a pundit!

(Seriously though, it's pretty funny -- the contrast in commentary between those talking about the team's actual play and the one guy revomiting the media narrative he's been spoonfed. Nice work!)

Outlet Rank Last Week Their Commentary
CBSSports 24 25
Setting up to play the spoiler role with a 10-5-3 mark since the All-Star break.
Cbs. Dispatch
(Portzline)
27 25
Highest paid Islander this season? Alexei Yashin. Most publicized? Trevor Gillies. What a franchise!
ESPN 25 27 They've only won two of their past seven games, but they make you earn it. They're playing a hard game right now, and it's nice to see them close out the year that way.
Sportsnet (Brophy) 24 27 The Islanders continue to be one of the NHL's hottest teams thanks in a large part to the play of goaltender Al Montoya, who is taking advantage of what might be his last chance to make it as a regular in the NHL.
TSN
(Cullen)
24 25 The Islanders have three guys -- Matt Moulson, Michael Grabner and John Tavares -- with at least 24 goals. You know how many teams have more than that? Zero. Toronto is the only other team with that many.
Average 24.8
25.8 The Islanders are worth keeping an eye on -- unless you're too engrossed with the Blue Jackets.

 

Parody Rankings

...And hear is what we imagine they're saying:

Imagined Outlet Rank Last Week Their Imagined Commentary
Hipster McHipsterton,
Yahoo Troll-in-Residence
40 36
Watching games or reading is pointless, I just troll for fan anger with pejorative quips to fuel clicks, so: The Islanders are mean, stupid, idiots and I have great insight into their culture.
Al Portly,
Central Ohio Picayune
32 30
I don't get to cover the playoffs and I'm mad about it, so...whom can I pick on? YashinLOL!
Len Tootsie, Empire Tabloids Inc.
36 32 Make no mistake, Wrist Shots has learned that if Garth Snow would have just cried uncle instead of actually responding to a reporter's question about Trevor Gillies, then Colie would've totally made that suspension less. He'd also have suspended Milan Lucic too.
The Omen, Toronto Shameless & Record 28 28 John Tavares scored the goal of the week, but his fist-pump ran hollow because we all know he actually yearns to be playing for the Leafs.

Remember, kids: Good players who step over the line are "hockey players" who are too important to their teams to suspend. Enforcers who step over the line are "goons who need to be made examples of." Historic rivalries that fill their games with fights are "old-time hockey slugfests." Other rivalries that boil over are travesties. The sooner you learn this, the sooner you will find enlightenment.

Real Power Rankings - [check back soon]

Our weekly "real" power rankings, courtesy of our own ICanSeeForIslesAndIsles (who is usually the one you'll find thanklessly compiling FIG picks in the game thread), will be added to this thread later tonight. Update: Here they are.

Explanation of how he does it is in the original post. If you have any questions about it, leave them in comments and he'll likely answer. For reference, last week's rankings are here.

 

    W L OTL Pts GP Win% Pts%/GP PWR
1 Vancouver 42 16 9 93 67 0.694 0.3738 2062
2 Detroit 39 19 8 86 66 0.652 0.3575 1976
3 Philadelphia 40 19 6 86 65 0.662 0.3590 1960
4 San Jose 38 22 6 82 66 0.621 0.3472 1917
5 Boston 38 19 8 84 65 0.646 0.3480 1892
6 Chicago 37 23 6 80 66 0.606 0.3353 1855
7 Pittsburgh 38 21 8 84 67 0.627 0.3395 1854
8 Tampa Bay 37 21 7 81 65 0.623 0.3388 1850
9 Washington 36 20 10 82 66 0.621 0.3334 1816
10 Los Angeles 36 25 4 76 65 0.585 0.3281 1807
11 Phoenix 34 23 10 78 67 0.582 0.3264 1802
12 Dallas 35 23 7 77 65 0.592 0.3248 1795
13 Anaheim 35 26 5 75 66 0.568 0.3219 1770
14 Montreal 36 23 7 79 66 0.598 0.3257 1770
15 Nashville 33 24 9 75 66 0.568 0.3205 1770
16 Minnesota 34 25 7 75 66 0.568 0.3174 1750
17 Calgary 35 24 9 79 68 0.581 0.3151 1741
18 Columbus 31 26 7 69 64 0.539 0.3020 1668
19 Buffalo 32 25 8 72 65 0.554 0.2997 1637
20 NY Rangers 35 29 4 74 68 0.544 0.2974 1621
21 St. Louis 28 28 9 65 65 0.500 0.2818 1554
22 Carolina 31 26 9 71 66 0.538 0.2823 1551
23 Toronto 29 28 9 67 66 0.508 0.2747 1502
24 New Jersey 30 31 4 64 65 0.492 0.2730 1487
25 Atlanta 27 28 11 65 66 0.492 0.2700 1476
26 Colorado 26 31 8 60 65 0.462 0.2592 1425
27 Florida 26 31 9 61 66 0.462 0.2566 1401
28 NY Islanders 25 32 10 60 67 0.448 0.2463 1351
29 Edmonton 23 35 8 54 66 0.409 0.2209 1226
30 Ottawa 22 34 9 53 65 0.408 0.2173 1191
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